I guess all of u must be wondering why i am boring you so much and how much this inconsequential decision of mine could affect you that you would bear with me but honestly i have this communication gap with my family(i know you give a rat's fart) and i can seldom explain this to them so clearly.
I am, as you all know, at the helm of matters in my life during an important phase and feel the need to justify my actions now, more than ever. esp. after today morning, when my mother woke up mid-night to ask me whether i had thought my decision through.
well, i'm glad to sense the concern but my captious self couldn't help but point that only two days ago when i had raised the concerns that my friends had expressed over me joining the course she just dismissed them as fruitless worry and illegitimate excuses. fruitless owing to the fact that she thought i was overestimating the demands of the institute and illegitimate, because she felt i hadn't even tried. true, but this was a decision i couldn't turn away from, not for the rest of my lyf! all i wanted was that she took more people's opinion on this, and she thought i was being unreasonable and that i was over-dramatizing this thing. maybe she was right, but i knew better and so, i accused her of being myopic and told her gruffly, again, how little she knew about this, after all she was just an MA. I had successfully and to my satisfaction undermined my mom, yet again. now, these exchanges almost never happen with my father, we are a unique duo who speak volumes in mono-syllables and almost always misunderstand the other. when i asked him to talk to more people before taking a stand, he gave me a look of utter distaste(at my supposed fickleness!) and matter-of-factly asked what was there to talk about? it was after all a reputed college and admitted students through the JEE.(Yes! that was his criteria!!! am i such a bird-brain now, to think so highly of my parents?!?!) i gave him a severely distasteful look and curtly admitted that all he ever helped me with were booking airplane tickets at the slightest indication, the decision to make that travel and the destination was never quite his business! am i condescending??.... i think not!
i will tell you 1 more thing.yesterday itself i went for the counseling, where my father and i went with no hope to get BTECH Marine at Kolkata, we merely went to avail the opportunity. what we realized mid-way is that this was the national counseling and that my chances were quite bright that being the first day of it. I was glad, 1 more seat i had for security to my previously acquired BE CSE at BIT Patna. Patna was a bad town! it gave me the heebie-jeebies to imagine 4 years there. i was drawn to the notion of getting to live in Kolkata, then. yes, very shallow of me but can you imagine that in a state with such a skewed sex-ratio the only chance i had of meeting the female gender would be to have an encounter, in busy streets, with those of the bovine species. so, this was the beginning of my consideration of this as an option. i was thrilled to see that there were only about 20-30 people before me in the running for 123 seats, all this when my father crept up to me and almost declared that he would cancel my admission at BIT. I am a calm person and anger seldom comes to me so quick, but i just couldn't help but snap at my father to BLOODY WAIT!!!! i was becoming unruly... never before have i really snapped at my father, he always maintained that level of fear and respect. today was relieving! so anyway while there i met this guy who seemed to be from my colony but i hadn't ever seen him.yes, curious! until he told me that he was boarding at Kota and that his parents moved in while he was there, in the last 2 years. i was happy, there i get the seat i want, the institute i want and also a friend before i even join. lucky me! but little did i know this guy had a seat elsewhere and he wasn't really considering this as a confirmed option.
anyway, when i came back i asked a few of my friends what i should take and almost all of them said that i would do better taking CSE at BIT. a setback.... really! after that i had the aforesaid encounters with my parents and decided to sleep over it. it was late before i slept(almost 2 A.M.) and even later before i got up(about 11.30 A.M.). i never sleep so much! in fact i deign the fact that almost all of my friends do so. this was surely a sign of growing indiscipline!!! i was better than this....how then did i come to be like this?? was this because i was becoming unhealthily fat!!! maybe....or maybe not. one thing was for sure,the director said during counseling that they do not ask for fit athletes at the institutes and that all they want is normality in health, the rest they can deal with. so, that meant after i'd go there i'd be able to get a decent body not this "fugly" one i hate looking at in the bathroom mirror and my dear friend rohit constantly deems "gay" and my mom, "obese"(even when i am not so!!!!).
yes, i am scared of military training! and especially after i saw 'Full Metal Jacket' a movie about U.S. marines in Vietnam during their civil war. during the first half of the movie one of the characters, (who,i feel reflects me) in the army training camp tries but miserably comes short to fulfill the strict demand of a despotic and difficult trainer. so much is he ridiculed and harassed by the trainer and his comrades that he ends up killing the trainer and himself! that's cheesy and typical but could it be me?
at 11.30 A.M. that morning i realize that i want and need this more than anything in my life. reasons?
1. 'coz i have since childhood never been adjudged an intelligent child always a hard-working one!
2. 'coz i am out of shape...i mean i'd be round if i were any fatter but no this is worse, i am like a loose-sack.
3. 'coz i love freedom very much and exercise it to such an extent that i have come to rampantly disregard my parents and my own sense of self-preservation and discipline.
4. 'coz i love travelling, my fondness of the TLC, Lonely Planet and Globe Trekker since a very young age are testimony to that.
5. 'coz the only other fear of mine, greater than the fear of poverty is that of heights. (I remember as a child my granny would tell me that if 1 lives half a life of poverty he will live the other in prosperity, also its vice-verse, which i thought applied to me scared the daylights out of me!!! it was only later i realized that destitution leads only to further-more destitution and great wealth to its apt preservation! as for me i was middle class and i could write my future with either of the above or just remain. but mature logic seldom prevails childhood fears, the eternal fear of dark and poltergeists underneath your bed are its greatest testimony!)
6. 'coz in the last few years i have been worn out by familial ties and they have borne down on me to such an extent that i cannot really look at my parents eyes and say a sentence to express my love for them anymore!
7. 'coz i wish to be treated like an adult, for a guy whose mom expresses concern about him crossing busy roads, being let to live in a hostel can be quite a novelty.
8. 'coz i cannot overlook the great reputation of this institute and the guarantee to earn a living in much less time than anybody else.
9. 'coz i want to achieve something in life and am tired of under-achieving in a field i am probably not meant to be.
10. 'coz i feel complaining about my physique and worrying about millitary-like training is mere procrastination. i am dying to prove something here!!!!! i will try until my last breath and continue trying till i achieve it!
I sense that it has become too long and excruciating to read. i apologize for putting you through it but as a start of my quest for manhood i make this confession to my dearest friends in particular. and also because i'm not comfortable saying so to my parents, putting this up on my blog will be the closest effort i will make to telling them.
Thank You!
